Conflicted in my merciless heart
(That face of yours)
The first thing that my eyes scan after pushing open the door
You know I’m still not yours
Kisses by the restroom
But you still wanted more
I did not surrender my body to you
But I am still a whore
I’m talking to boys
Who tell me right off that bat that
They don’t like me
And then they ask why I’m always playing defense
They tell me I’m
The bad kind of different
It’s nothing I haven’t heard
They say other girls “chill”
I’ve never known the meaning of the word
I tried to get my ex to teach me how
But we broke up when I was only luke warm
And I know I’m playing offense
Charging at lighting speed
To any boy who dares to touch me
And maybe it’s not fair
But maybe I don’t mind
Kissing you after not having you as mine
Was forbidden
Underground tunnels we dug as kids to hide from our parents
Kissing you after not being able to kiss you for 4 months
Was hazy
I can’t remember how you tasted
I was hungry and desperate
And you were there with your same
Golden skin
Same smile with missing teeth
When I kissed what was mine again
I was in the past and present at once
My lips meshing into yours
Then right before you left I kissed you simply and naively
I kissed you for the last time
And I wish I could forget the way it tasted
Tell them that it was sin.
Tell them that I wasn’t as tight as a virgin
girl.
Tell them that you tossed me on my back and told me I liked it.
Tell them it wasn’t forced.
Tell them that’s why you couldn’t feel anything.
Tell them I was bare.
Tell them that I shaved just for you.
Tell them I was like the African Pyramids: robbed of all gold.
Tell them I wanted it.
Tell them that you were like hard liquor my body couldn’t handle.
Tell them how I should have liked it.
Tell them how I should have dropped to my knees and scrubbed your feet like a Jewish slave.
Tell them how I should have given my body to you again and again…
Earlier
The sky was a cotton-candy pink
The kind of color that makes
You wonder why you’ve
Never been camping
Or jumped on a trampoline
In evening
I watched it turn to
Indigo
One of those in-between colors
Because it’s light enough
To where
The sky doesn’t feel like
It’s swallowing me whole
But dark enough to
Where pre-teens scamper
Home
As the street lights flicker
I study the outside world
Of stars
Color palettes
And dying trees
To distract myself from you
All of that green
Helps me remember to breath
And to scratch your knee
Whenever I get anxious
Maybe next time I’ll
Remember to close my
Eyes when we kiss
In my younger state
I’d say it wasn’t fair
That maybe my body
Is immune to being happy
And not writing poetry
So in a way
I cured myself with sadness
Three years older
Falling back into old habits
And tripping over
My own bug-bite stained feet
Leaping over responsibilities
As I mumbled to myself that
Someone is here holding me
I wanted to only share with you pretty words
So you could use them in the way I would
And when you found the one that hit you
You could let the dictionary slam into your face
Or let your head fall numbly onto the keyboard
And think to yourself
“This is what she was talking about”
“This is why she loved poetry so much”
Let me have your messy parts:
Your two A.M.’s,
and mid day breakdowns.
Let me kiss each one of them.
Let me see you vulnerable.
Kid, I want to see you when you’re scared.
When you’ve lost your mom and brother.
Tell me about when you realized all fairy tales were lies.
And how you bought your first lighter hoping to burn wings so your past couldn’t fly into your dreams.
The first time you realized your body was breaking down.
Are you still like that?
Or do you believe everything’s going to be okay?
I just focus on your soft voice
Telling me how wrong I am
And forget the rest
So maybe I can finally sleep at night
And hopefully one of these days
You’ll wake up and feel alright
And realize you don’t miss me at all
Then I will realize why they call
Being in love the “fall”
I’ve started measuring my worth
In every boy
That’s ever come back
So after I left you
I just kept waiting
For that boy to text me
The one with the loose curls
Who I met
At that party
To call me and say that
Even though I left
I’m still worth something
And since I meant everything
He let me go
But you still don’t know
How to un-dig your fingernails
From my flesh
And I know without me
You’ll be bored at best
The Initial Crash of you 