Conflicted in my merciless heart
(That face of yours)
The first thing that my eyes scan after pushing open the door
You know I’m still not yours
Kisses by the restroom
But you still wanted more
I did not surrender my body to you
But I am still a whore
I’m talking to boys
Who tell me right off that bat that
They don’t like me
And then they ask why I’m always playing defense
They tell me I’m
The bad kind of different
It’s nothing I haven’t heard
They say other girls “chill”
I’ve never known the meaning of the word
I tried to get my ex to teach me how
But we broke up when I was only luke warm
And I know I’m playing offense
Charging at lighting speed
To any boy who dares to touch me
And maybe it’s not fair
But maybe I don’t mind
When I first lied down on your bed
when I studied the brown of your fireplace
the brown of the blunt in your hand outside
brown skin matching the brownness of mine
The Princess Diaries 2 was on
Strange house
your queen sized bed with no frame
but the softest cover placed perfectly on top
Familiarity filled the room
You asked me if I wanted you to turn it off
I said “No”
I said “Don’t take this safe haven from me”
I watched them slide on mattresses during a slumber party
As you plowed yourself into me
Every time you came over
Cartoon network
Summer afternoons
Sunlight luring in from the bottom of the window
The greenest grass all year
The Amazing World of Gumball
I can hear children playing outside
They run and ask each other where the other is going
I ask you to whisper in my ear that you own me
I am old enough now to know the irony
Of wanting you inside of me
while watching Y7 tv shows and G rated movies
Young Justice League Plays in the background
And you pause it
And I let you
And I think “Maybe I want it this time”
I think “Maybe this is not poison he is leaking inside of me”
They leap on to buildings
They crash into each other
It is you who saves the day
Talking to her for the first time in weeks makes me giddy with happiness:
“Kristen, I ended up pregnant.”
My heart beat does not slow down
The earth does not shatter
But now we talk of abortion and fuck him and it’s your body you do what you want
And she apologizes to me for not being there
And she apologizes for not being a good friend
But I tell her she always was there
And sometimes I too get blown away like dandelion fluff
But even when she doesn’t text back
She’s always there for me
I tell her she’s lovely
One of the best people I’ve known
She does not send back a paragraph
There are not heart emojis
I wonder if she’s texting all of this
Because she can not say it in speech
“You leave me after our second try Blindly I thought that you’d stay next to me But our breakup was far from the last of it’s kind I still love like I’m running out of time”
Kissing you after not having you as mine
Was forbidden
Underground tunnels we dug as kids to hide from our parents
Kissing you after not being able to kiss you for 4 months
Was hazy
I can’t remember how you tasted
I was hungry and desperate
And you were there with your same
Golden skin
Same smile with missing teeth
When I kissed what was mine again
I was in the past and present at once
My lips meshing into yours
Then right before you left I kissed you simply and naively
I kissed you for the last time
And I wish I could forget the way it tasted
Tell them that it was sin.
Tell them that I wasn’t as tight as a virgin
girl.
Tell them that you tossed me on my back and told me I liked it.
Tell them it wasn’t forced.
Tell them that’s why you couldn’t feel anything.
Tell them I was bare.
Tell them that I shaved just for you.
Tell them I was like the African Pyramids: robbed of all gold.
Tell them I wanted it.
Tell them that you were like hard liquor my body couldn’t handle.
Tell them how I should have liked it.
Tell them how I should have dropped to my knees and scrubbed your feet like a Jewish slave.
Tell them how I should have given my body to you again and again…
Earlier
The sky was a cotton-candy pink
The kind of color that makes
You wonder why you’ve
Never been camping
Or jumped on a trampoline
In evening
I watched it turn to
Indigo
One of those in-between colors
Because it’s light enough
To where
The sky doesn’t feel like
It’s swallowing me whole
But dark enough to
Where pre-teens scamper
Home
As the street lights flicker
I study the outside world
Of stars
Color palettes
And dying trees
To distract myself from you
All of that green
Helps me remember to breath
And to scratch your knee
Whenever I get anxious
Maybe next time I’ll
Remember to close my
Eyes when we kiss
In my younger state
I’d say it wasn’t fair
That maybe my body
Is immune to being happy
And not writing poetry
So in a way
I cured myself with sadness
Three years older
Falling back into old habits
And tripping over
My own bug-bite stained feet
Leaping over responsibilities
As I mumbled to myself that
Someone is here holding me
The truth is this:
We don’t have much time left
And we’re all yearning to go back to four years ago
When it was okay to be
An undecided
Work of progress
On my best days
I want to cut myself in half
Let one side run free
Through the freshly paved streets
and keep the other one in to study
The simple fact is this:
You are every hook
Every song lyric
That I blister my feet dancing to
Every unexplored cave with it’s’ mouth wide open
Waiting to swallow me whole
I am a lonely traveller looking for home
And I will gladly be yours for one last year
The Initial Crash of you 