I’m getting used to
Being used
A grab
A smack
A tug
A bruise
Reminders that I am yours
-but taking pain is such a chore!
However I do feel at my best
When looking at purple markings on my breasts
Please take me and turn me into a painting
My colors are yours for the using
Sitting in a crowded room
Not one of us will leave too soon
It seems that my hips have been attached
To your leg
My weight on your lap
But when old parts of me resurface
Scratches on my wrist
You put out your hand to stop my searching
Blocking my scratches with a kiss
Conflicted in my merciless heart
(That face of yours)
The first thing that my eyes scan after pushing open the door
You know I’m still not yours
Kisses by the restroom
But you still wanted more
I did not surrender my body to you
But I am still a whore
Tell them that it was sin.
Tell them that I wasn’t as tight as a virgin
girl.
Tell them that you tossed me on my back and told me I liked it.
Tell them it wasn’t forced.
Tell them that’s why you couldn’t feel anything.
Tell them I was bare.
Tell them that I shaved just for you.
Tell them I was like the African Pyramids: robbed of all gold.
Tell them I wanted it.
Tell them that you were like hard liquor my body couldn’t handle.
Tell them how I should have liked it.
Tell them how I should have dropped to my knees and scrubbed your feet like a Jewish slave.
Tell them how I should have given my body to you again and again…
Earlier
The sky was a cotton-candy pink
The kind of color that makes
You wonder why you’ve
Never been camping
Or jumped on a trampoline
In evening
I watched it turn to
Indigo
One of those in-between colors
Because it’s light enough
To where
The sky doesn’t feel like
It’s swallowing me whole
But dark enough to
Where pre-teens scamper
Home
As the street lights flicker
I study the outside world
Of stars
Color palettes
And dying trees
To distract myself from you
All of that green
Helps me remember to breath
And to scratch your knee
Whenever I get anxious
Maybe next time I’ll
Remember to close my
Eyes when we kiss
I wanted to only share with you pretty words
So you could use them in the way I would
And when you found the one that hit you
You could let the dictionary slam into your face
Or let your head fall numbly onto the keyboard
And think to yourself
“This is what she was talking about”
“This is why she loved poetry so much”
Let me have your messy parts:
Your two A.M.’s,
and mid day breakdowns.
Let me kiss each one of them.
Let me see you vulnerable.
Kid, I want to see you when you’re scared.
When you’ve lost your mom and brother.
Tell me about when you realized all fairy tales were lies.
And how you bought your first lighter hoping to burn wings so your past couldn’t fly into your dreams.
The first time you realized your body was breaking down.
Are you still like that?
Or do you believe everything’s going to be okay?
I flirt with boys for company
Done loneliness as my own
Ride in the car without a seatbelt no matter how fast I’m going
Or who I’m with
Wear makeup just to feel pretty
Make enough money to buy 38 blush compacts from Sephora if I wanted
Steal it just because I can
Arrive late to work
Just to leave early
Take frequent bathroom breaks
Cry breaks
Ifeellikedying breaks
Sleep in because I can
Post pictures of me looking happy so everyone can admire my lifestyle
Admire my pain just because I can
It’s funny how the number two keeps coming up
Like how we used exactly two spermicide bullets
And I lent you approximately two pairs of socks
I was planning on lying when you came over
Telling you that the hickies on my neck were
In fact
From you and not the boy
A few streets over
But you already know the horrible truth
That I do not love you
And the residue
Your kisses leave
So instead I focus on
The palm trees
With their fallen cones and leaves
Making everything tropical and heated
See
I try to play mistreated
So when we argue I usually cry
So that you can ignore the fact
That admitting I’m wrong
Makes me want to die
I wrote this
To tell you that after 7 months
I am fixing things
Even though I fall apart as I write this
We popped our bubble hearts with butter knives
Stayed out past curfew
(You seemed worried)
Not about the dullness of the knife
About the dullness of your life
Said you wanted the kind of expensive things they had
Said you were in the mood to feel like living
You’re free now
Your heart was free
But you chose a girl
Slid it out
Sent it express shipping
Your body is not your own
You want to give it to her
She no longer knopws if she wants it
But she’ll take it if you promise to
Stop
Carving shapes out of her
Heart
She does not belong to you
Determined to keep it that way
Adds a spark to your life
With her non-consistancy
This is the best that it gets
You have adventure
And a girl that almost loves you
What more do you want?
So much more that you want
The Initial Crash of you 